Saturday, September 29, 2012

I dated a man-child and survived...where's my T-shirt? (Or, the My Ex Is a Spoiled Rat Bastard blog)

         I know I been meaning to write in this blog everyday...but, life happens.
         Man-child...I know most of you have heard this term at one point or another, and you've certainly seen it in movies like "Step Brothers", "Failure To Launch", "Grandma's Boy", etc. You know what it's about; chronologically grown-ass men living as if they were still children.
        As much as most people would enjoy the idea of living rent-free and not have bills to worry about, most people also crave that thing called independence. And yes, independence isn't cheap, especially in this economy.
        But...a lot of these man-children use the crappy economy as an excuse to not move out. If a guy stayed home to take care of a sick parent, that's one thing. If someone got financially burned because of a job loss or a divorce, and needed time to recoup, fine. If someone just graduated from college and needed some time to save for a place, totally understandable.
        The guys I'm talking about are the ones who have their parents pay for everything and are never expected to chip in around the house. No rent, no cooking, maybe some cleaning once in a while if that. These guys still have health, dental, AND car insurance paid for by their folks. In short, the man who just became my ex.
        Ah, yes....the main focus of my blog newly christened ex. Let me tell you...this guy is a character. This is a gentleman (gag) who hates driving, has TWO college degrees paid for by his loving folks, and has Mommy transfer money into his account despite having access to online banking. (She works at a bank.)
        When I first met him, I thought he was rather sweet and charming in an awkward kind of way. We connected almost right away. :)
        As the months passed, I got to know him more and more. He told me he came from an upper-middle-class family. Now, I'm not going to judge someone based on how much money they have. I give everyone a fair shake.
        When his dad came to pick him up from the dorms, we went out to eat. The place was very expensive and very fancy; I even felt a twinge of guilt for having this man buy me dinner at this fancy restaurant. But, that feeling passed.
         That same summer, I ended up back at my mom's due to not being able to find a job in the area of the college. Luckily, I was able to get a job where she lived. Good thing too, because I had a debt to the college to pay off. While I was sweating the debt I had, he got to enjoy a summer of absolutely nothing to do. He didn't have to look for work; why would he, with Mommy and Daddy taking care of everything as usual? When I complained to him about my debt, he had an interesting response: "If it were me, I'd be depressed all day." O.o
        To me, that shows lack a of courage. Yes, being sad over an issue like that for a couple of hours is fine. Being too sad to the point of not doing anything isn't exactly productive. You eventually have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get the problem solved. I guess I should have realized then what a chickenshit he was.
        Another fine example of this cowardice: When I returned to school that following fall, I got an off-campus place about six miles north of the school. At the time, all I had was a bike. I was in the process of getting my license back (long story) and a car. Until then, I had to make a 12-mile round trip to school and back every day for two months. I was grumbling about how much it sucked. He said, "Well, you could've chosen to drop school for the semester." Again, he would've given up had he been in my shoes.
        During the bit of getting a license again, I had him drive my car to the license bureau. He hated doing it, but he did it for me after I pointed out that it wouldn't exactly look good if I drove myself up to the license place. During the trip, he had an absolute fit about making a left turn. All I could do was roll my eyes.
        Perhaps I should have left him then, but I was willing to overlook those things. I mean, we all have our childish moments from time to time.
        Time went on, as it does. After I got my license back, and after fall semester was over, he left school. He was done with his degree, but didn't want to stick around for the pomp and circumstance crap. (Can't blame him.) During winter break, I dog-sat for one of my professors while he was enjoying the fact that he was done with school. I went down to see him after I was done with the dog-sitting job.
        For the duration of my visit with him, we went out. We went to the zoo, to the mall, out to eat, whatever. His mom was actually happy that I was getting him out of the house, because apparently he hadn't been getting out much. Pretty sad, really.
       Fast forward a couple of months. We were chatting online one night, and he's got a dilemma. His mom knows the owner of the local Subway, and he's willing to give my ex a job there if he wants it. All handed to him on a silver platter. (I wish things came that easily to me.) My ex is hemming and hawing about it; he doesn't know what to do. Since I'm not one to sugarcoat things, I decided to give me my honest take on it. Since he wasn't having luck yet on the dream job search, I told him that taking the job would be a good idea; it would help build up some savings for his own place and he can add more work experience to his resume. He complained that if he took the job, he'd be stuck there forever. I tried telling him about this wonderful thing called multitasking. He could send out resumes and search for more jobs while building an income. At least, that's what I would have done. Then, he said he was worried about work interfering with my spring break visit. I told him we could work around that if need be. Then he got pissed off about the whole thing. Ultimately, the decision was his to make. I just gave him reasons why he should take it. Admittedly, he felt like the job was beneath him, a holder of two degrees. Meanwhile, I have friends in other states who would have gladly taken the opportunity he was given.
        His decision, but his attitude was making me sick. This is obviously someone who has never known a day of struggling in his life. His idea of suffering is not having his books in stock, his computer games malfunctioning, or missing his webcomics for a day or two.
       And you're thinking, "Seriously? Why the fuck are you still with this dude?" Well, I was still in love with him at the time, and I had hoped my real life experience would rub off on him at some point.
        Spring Break...and I'm visiting him and his folks again. He's still not landed a dream job, but isn't making any real effort either. He still wasn't getting out much when I arrived, so back out into the city we went. I took him to a museum, to one of my old childhood haunts, and to a cousin's place. When we went to a bookstore, he went to buy something ($60 RPG book, I think it was), and his card wasn't working. I offered to get it for him, but he turned me down. When we got back, he told his mom what happened. And his dad was quite pissed about him buying a $60 book with no money coming in. She looked up his checking account, and he didn't have enough for his book, he was short a few dollars. So then, he asked her to transfer some money from savings into checking. He has online banking; you'd think he'd get up and go to his own computer and do this himself. Plus, I wouldn't get an account in the same bank my mom works at. Way too invasive for me.
       Speaking of the mom/bank account issue, he told me had savings from his summer jobs from over the years, but his folks would still give them (he has a brother, too) an allowance during the school year. Why, I don't know. They were already paying his tuition and his room and board; why an allowance, too? I guess it's not really any of my business, but it still pisses me off. Before folks get too mad, no, I'm not a parent, but I have a tendency to base stuff like this on what my own parents would've done. My folks couldn't afford to send us to school; even if they could, they wouldn't have. My parents firmly believed that if you want something bad enough, get it your damn self. I'm getting my education through the GI Bill, and I appreciate my education that much more because I earned it.
       I hated my parents while I was growing up for making me do chores (what kid didn't?). But in hindsight, I'm glad they did. I can cook, clean, do dishes and laundry, and at least take care of myself. I've said it before; his folks are very nice people. But, while my ex was growing up, he didn't do much for chores. His mom always cooked while his dad always cleaned up afterwards, plus they have a dishwasher. I asked my mom why we didn't have a dishwasher. She said, "Of course we have a dishwasher. We have three of them: Sarah, John and Matthew!"
       Another issue; health insurance. Unlike the golden boy, I can't afford to go to the doctor every time I get sick. He doesn't seem to grasp the fact that insurance is not cheap. My school just started making health insurance mandatory for all students. In fact, you can't enroll without it now. I ended up getting insurance through the school, which is another $500/semester I can't always afford. I don't go to the doctor unless it's serious enough, even with the crap insurance. I do have friends that are out on their own, but their folks still cover their health insurance. I can't fault them for that.
       Now, on to material things. I also get grants to cover things the GI Bill doesn't, and I use the leftover money for various things, like getting things on the car fixed. When I got a grant payment last spring, I decided it was high time I got my own laptop. When I told my man I was doing this, he's all, "Why are you so worried about material things?" I had to point out that unlike him, I had to go without a cell phone and a laptop for a long time because of money issues. I like having my own computer so that I don't have to make trips to the library to do homework, or bumming my roommate's computer. Yeah...he has a desktop and a laptop AND an iPhone, and he paid for none of it. And yet, I'm obsessing over material things. There's a huge difference between buying a few things you need (and a few things you like), and going nuts every time you have money. I would love to have more anime and anime-related items, but I have to watch myself. Getting small appliances here and there is good, too. I have a mini fridge in my room, along with a small chest freezer. Hey, why not? They'll be perfect for my next place I live in.
      Why the rant now? Well, we just broke up. He finally decided to man up and tell me why he'd been avoiding me. He's down in the south somewhere, doing volunteer work now. He admitted he'd been unhappy about being in a relationship for months, but couldn't bother to tell me this until very recently. He did say he was emotionally immature and couldn't do it anymore, but he decided to not be honest for the sake of not hurting me. Yup...true maturity here. He drove down there about a month and a half ago. But, he didn't drive down there himself, his dad went along with him and flew back. That's a real mature 24 year old for you.
     Of course, I should have known better myself, dating a guy that much younger than me (I'm 35). But, his spoiled, immature outlook on life didn't show itself until way into the relationship. At the beginning, he would help me out in any way he could, he was very sweet to me then. But, that guy is gone now, and a horribly spoiled brat is here to stay. I hope he enjoys living with his parents for the rest of his life, or until he finally grows up.